Coping with change: three things that work for me – by our Happiness Ambassador, Amy

Coping with change, three things that work for me – by our Happiness Ambassador, Amy.

I am someone overloaded with sentimentality. At my son’s first haircut, I did not withstand the urge to scoop his hair from the hairdresser’s floor and stuff it into my handbag; bits of blonde fluff would float out of that bag whenever I opened it for months afterwards. This sentimentality makes me prone to nostalgia. Meanwhile, I have also deliberately cultivated high levels of ‘experiencial appreciation’ – I like to find the magic in the moment and be grateful for it.

These attributes, whilst fine or even desirable in themselves, can make coping with life changes a struggle.I cling. I mourn. I ruminate. I resist. Once I’m headed in new direction I start looking for the magic again, but it takes me a while to turn.

Last week my firstborn started school. He set sail with joy and acceptance. I dragged my anchor all the way to the gates.

Helen offered up some solid advice. “Don’t look back,” she said. My son didn’t look back, I sat bewildered in his absence, watching videos of his babyhood. I keenly felt the negative space in my identity left by his departure. Rasing children is such an all-consuming activity, it’s not just what we do – it’s who we are. And our success is our undoing, in some respects. He is full of the strength and resources to move on, looking outwards and forwards. I am left feeling depleted, looking inwards and, yes, backwards.

I am aware this is not a crushing, wrenching, life-course-altering change. But it is a parting. In a way, it is the beginning of my child’s life without me. It sent me to a deeply introspective place but I have now emerged with the beginnings of an action plan.

Here are three steps towards my goal of smoothing this transition.

Focus on what is gained

Part of what make us resistent to change is fear of losing something. If we get stuck pining for what is gone, we’re going to feel unhappy. I’ve spent a week doing that, and now its time to start to focus on what we will gain as a family. I will reclaim a bit of the time and space that I sometimes crave when I’ve got two children underfoot. Juggling work inside and outside the home will probably get a little easier. Meanwhile, my child will flourish amongst his peers and benefit from a slightly less overwhelmed mum. Win-win.

Reconnect with “Why”

My “why” is to raise a happy healthy child who is prepared to face the world. My purpose – to teach, nurture and protect him – has stayed the same, even if what that looks like in the future differs from how it has looked in the past.

When the pandemic hit, Team Boo had to adapt our activities, but our purpose – to support leaders to be inspiring and help create happy healthy workplaces – did not waver. Our delivery method flexed, we came up with new products and services, but we were still our authentic selves, true to our joyful brand and sparkling content.

Quite often, even with the biggest shifts, more remains consistent than has changed. Knowing there is more that is familiar than different can reduce feelings of helplessness.

Walk towards change

Changes we initiate ourselves are easier to handle as we tend to feel more in control. For the changes we didn’t choose, or couldn’t anticipate, there is often a longer period of resistence and a deeper sense of discomfort.

This change is happening – with or without my acceptance – and I should try to discover, acknowledge and appreciate the positives sooner rather than later for my own sake. Knowing this and doing this are different things, but I will start by actively searching. What adventures can we have after 3pm? What opportunities for connection can I still plan? What can I bring from our ‘old life’ into the new?

I will find the joy in our new rituals and routines, I will embrace and appreciate this season of parenting and I will work at this with intention so that it feels comfortable and familiar more quickly.

Another piece of advice I’ve had this week is that it’ll be much worse when I goes to secondary school. Hopefully, I’ll be able to revisit this action plan then – but not yet, not yet.